A Quick Word of Grace for the Competitive Girl

You know her when you see her.

She loves a good competition.

…That is, when she knows she can win.

She grew up with mostly guy friends. She would say that it’s only because she just got along with guys better than girls, but the truth is other girls grew tired of the constant comparison that she made them feel.

She can’t quite sit still, for she must constantly train for her next arena to conquer—constantly study, constantly move, constantly do more. 

She’s never quite satisfied with herself; no, there’s always. room. for. improvement!!! She’s her own worst critic and her greatest source of motivation.

That competitive girl, man. She is something else. 


The world applauds her ambitions, liking her photo announcements of her latest accomplishment.

But her heart, man. Her heart is weakened from the striving.

Where is the love she longs for?? Where is her



You know, the stage that is decorated and dedicated with her declaration of admiration and praise for who she’s finally become? 

She keeps hoping it will find her with her next recognition—maybe this time she will have done enough and be enough to win the acceptance she craves.

But the stage never finds her. The next big win comes and goes like a tumbleweed in a ghost town. She is left with only herself feeling empty and restless.

Try harder next time. Go for the next rung on the ladder.

The competitive girl finds it hard to catch her breath sometimes.

Jesus sees her, bent over and heaving from running so hard, and He puts his arm around her, saying:

28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

Jesus helps her upright, and as she catches her breath again and with His arm still around her, He gently whispers these New Testament words from Paul in her ear:

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

She breathes deep, heavy sighs now, filling her lungs with air and exhaling with some release. A gust of Old Testament wind blows past her.

Then I saw that all toil and all skill in work come from a man’s envy of his neighbor. This also is vanity[a] and a striving after wind.

The fool folds his hands and eats his own flesh.

Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and a striving after wind.

Ecclesiastes 4:4-6

Jesus lovingly squeezes her shoulders now, her shoulders that grew so strong and tired from the burdens they had carried.

“You belong to Me, Beautiful Girl,” He says to her. “Your need to win was put to an end on My cross. There’s no need to compete anymore.

My Love is All Yours.”

24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

Galatians 5:24-26

O Competitive One, there’s no need to compete anymore. His Love is all yours.

You can never lose it. You can never earn it.

No one deserves His Love more than you. No one deserves it less than you.

Your striving is for nothing—wasted energy in a life where He intended for you to live abundantly with freedom and bring His name Glory with every breath. 

You don’t have to be 15lbs smaller.

You don’t have to keep beating your personal best.

You don’t have to have the title or position.

You don’t have to raise smarter kids.

You don’t have to cook better than her.

His Unconditional Love is Completely Yours for the Taking, a Prized Gift of  Grace Bestowed on His Beloved and Competitive Daughter. 

Amen to that!


Dearly Beloved,

Dearly Beloved,

We’ve gathered here today,

just the two of us,

you, the Bride, and Me, your Heavenly Father,

to join together in Holy union before your wedding day.

Dearly Beloved, YOU are going to be a Beautiful Bride! Why don’t you believe Me when I tell you that??

Dearly Beloved, this wedding day that you are preparing for is so much more than Pinterest pins about “153 Things to Remember On Your Wedding Day” or matching napkins to tablecloths and flower petals to bridesmaid dresses.  This day is more than the table arrangements or the photography or how exactly you’ll wear your hair.  This day is even more than what dress you’ll wear and what the scale will read that day when you walk down the aisle arm-in-arm with your earthly father.

Dearly Beloved, being a bride is so much more than all of those things because it is about none of those things!  Being a bride is about preparing yourself, not worrying over frivolous details that will mean nothing against the backdrop of eternity.  Your wedding day is about blessing those who attend, the people who have poured into you and your husband and whom you love so much in return.

“Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him, for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready.” It was given to her to clothe herself in fine linen, bright and clean; for the fine linen is the righteous acts of the saints. Then he said to me, “Write, ‘Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb ‘” And he said to me, “These are true words of God.”

Revelation 19:7-9

Dearly Beloved, you have been so, so hard on yourself.  You don’t think you deserve fine linen, or good things.  You don’t believe that it is all I want to do to adorn you with My blessings, to clothe you with salvation from sin, from darkness and evil and temptation, and to wrap you with My very own robe of righteousness, My robe of Worthiness and Blamelessness and Light.  I want to show you My favor over you, My desire to make you radiant before Me and everyone else on your wedding day.

“I will rejoice greatly in the LORD, My soul will exult in my God; For He has clothed me with garments of salvation, He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.”

Isaiah 61:10

Dearly Beloved, despite what you think you have done to lessen your worth, you have been bought at the highest of prices.  (My wedding budget to have you as my Bride was the greatest in history!!)  Just as Hosea purchased Gomer (who was already his wife) in spite of her adultery, so I paid for you with the life of My own Son, in spite of any sin you have done, will do, or even are capable of committing.  I wanted you as My Bride, as my Beloved, because I love you with an everlasting and jealous love.

“I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy.”

2 Corinthians 11:2a

Your sin does not make you worth less to Me.  Your sin only hurts Me because it shows how you’ve turned away from Me to pursue other gods, other values, other things that you’ve deemed more important or pleasing to you than Me.  Your sin also hurts you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t heal you or make you whole again, My Beloved.

The Lord said to me, “Go. Show your love to your wife again. She is loved by another man. And she has committed adultery. But I want you to love her just as I love the people of Israel. They turn to other gods. And they love to offer raisin cakes to Baal and eat them. In spite of that, I love my people.”

So I bought Gomer for six ounces of silver and 430 pounds of barley.”

Hosea 3:1-2

Dearly Beloved, you were not made to be a Bridezilla, to worry constantly over details outside of your control in the hopes that you might have perfectly altered photos of your wedding day to post on Facebook and Instagram and get approximately 126 ‘likes’ from people who, no offense Valerie Lynn, don’t care about your wedding day even a tenth as much as you do.

“Whatever you do, do it with all your heart, as for the Lord, not for men.” 

Colossians 3:23

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” 

Philippians 4:6-7

Dearly Beloved, you were made to be a Bride who is preparing to become a Wife of Noble Character, a Wife who is clothed with strength and dignity and laughs because she is filled with hope, a Wife who speaks wisdom and faithful instruction rather than wasteful words with meaningless value for others.

“A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life…
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”

Proverbs 31: 10-12, 25-26

Dearly Beloved, this world does not understand what it means to be a Bride or a Wife.  They think it is about becoming a man’s servant, or even a man’s ruler.  This world thinks a godly wife lacks a backbone, lacks an intelligent mind of her own, and lacks leadership.  This world thinks godly wives only bake casseroles and crochet scriptures and gather together to gossip about other godly wives. 

But you, My Beloved, were meant to be a Godly Bride to become a Godly Wife for your Beloved.  You were made to be loved from this day forward by your future husband, to be continuously sacrificed for, to be sanctified from your past, to be cleansed by My words of truth on a daily basis, to be presented with glory as holy and blameless and BEAUTIFUL. 

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.”

Ephesians 5:25-27

Dearly Beloved, do not lose sight of what it means to be a Bride.  Prepare yourself with excitement and anticipation, not with stress and anxiety.  You will be a Beautiful Bride because I have made you to be one.  No Pinterest pin can help you do what I have already done and set into motion for you, so TRUST ME to provide and help you prepare.

LOVE always,

Your first BrideGroom 

Don’t rush the rain.


I’m stuck in Metro Diner on 34th Street.

How am I stuck, you ask?  

Well, I’m wearing a sundress and sandals and my car is parked clear across the parking lot.  This is a problem because as I write this Gainesville is being pounded with severe thunderstorms for the next few hours. 

How did I get here, you wonder? 

1. I don’t have the sense to check the weather before I go places. 

2. A beautiful group of ladies from my place of work invited me to join them this morning for a bible study devotion at the diner. 

3. I had the brilliant idea of dropping off my dry-cleaning at the cleaners next door after we finished our study, just as the storm came crashing down on south Gainesville.

So here I am. Stuck in the diner, afraid to run out in the rain and fall on my face, and drinking my third cup of coffee (this one black because I’ve had too much creamer this morning already.) 

If you have talked to me in the past few days, you would know my stress levels have had me looking like a robot on the fritz—twitches and sparks flying from my ears and not speaking coherent English. 

My mama has been warning me that my soul is at risk for becoming dry if I don’t take time to water it. But who has time for ‘soul-watering’ when your time is being stretched like the last few pumps of your favorite hairspray? Who has time to tend to your own soul when you’re somehow expected to make miracles happen with your obligations to everyone and everything else?

Considering the state of my to-do list, you can imagine the annoyance I feel right now as I nurse my black coffee, now cold.  Why can’t this rain hurry up and finish already? 

As I was telling someone I hold in high regard last night about my current emotional state, I found myself apologizing to him for not being at my best right now. I told him how afraid I was of feeling so down, mostly because I wasn’t sure when it would come to an end. Would it go away when my list of to-dos are checked off? When I finally catch up on sleep? When I can work in balance with my schedule so I can exercise regularly, meal-prep, make time for friends, pick up a new hobby, make home-made jam, and learn how to sow all my future children’s clothes? (Who am I kidding? I’m a Millennial. I just want to learn how to sow back on a button.)

After our conversation ended, and despite everything I had pressing in my thoughts, the things I should be doing to prepare for the week, to address what I would consider all that will make me better and more efficient, I opened my Bible. 

Actually, to be fair, I googled the words from a verse that kept coming to mind, and then opened my Bible:

“A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.
1 You, God, are my God,

    earnestly I seek you;

I thirst for you,

    my whole being longs for you,

in a dry and parched land

    where there is no water.”

Psalm 63:1

One of the beautiful girls in our bible study this morning brought up the question of why God allows us to get tired, to reach our point of can’t-keep-going-on-like-this. Why does God let our souls get tired and dry?

Because He wants to Be the rest we need. Because He wants to Be the rain we so thirst for. 

The funny thing about rain is that we know we need it, we need it consistently, but we could never handle it if it were constantly pouring down on us. This is not to say we don’t need God constantly. We really do. 

But, we also get ahead of ourselves and attempt to go stretches of time without depending on God’s outpouring. When God sees us do this, he adjusts his rain accordingly. 

When we seek Him consistently, he provides the rain our souls need consistently. When we don’t seek Him consistently but finally come to our senses and turn to Him for our souls needs, His outpouring can feel like a thunderstorm. 

That’s where truth breaks through. That’s where conviction happens. That’s where grace rushes in and washes our hearts clean. That’s where souls that were dry and crusty and just barely functioning become soaked and saturated and vivacious with life.

Update: my coffee was on-the-house (I think the Metro Diner owner felt for my situation, seeing my obvious poor dress choices and the lightning outside), and I made a “careful shuffle” for it across the parking lot to my vehicle. 

I’m drenched. My makeup and hair are both ruined for the day. But my soul? It is well, because I Let the Lord have time to rain on me. 

Quarter Life Chapters: A Birthday post dedicated to my Mama

Two weekends and three years ago, I saw one of my parents in an emergency room bed for the first time.  Dad was rushed to the hospital on a Sunday morning with chest pains. While we were thankful that Dad did not suffer a heart attack, I wrote a post called Emotional Coasters, Heart Attacks, and Tangled Necklaces as a response to the overflow of emotions and love shown towards my family felt during that time.

Two weekends ago, my mama was rushed to the hospital on a Sunday morning with chest pains. At 50 years old, she is incredibly beautiful, incredibly intelligent, and incredibly healthy.  She also endured a minor heart attack.

Prior to that Sunday morning, I had been my worst self with my family.  Nerves around plans made for the coming weekend had me acting more crazy than usual.  Petty concerns kept me asking for affirmation from my family members.  My parents say I can be “an emotional thermostat” in our home–I have the ability to manipulate the atmosphere with whatever my attitude is at the moment.  With that, I had set the thermostat way high with the anxiety and stress I was carrying, and my loving Mama, who always stands by me in my storms of feels, was also feeling the heat wave.

The temperature changed when Mama went to the hospital.  Suddenly, everything I had been so fixated on was washed away by the waves of the unknown.  I watched as my Daddy never left my mother’s side, completely surrendered to her and her needs.  I was paralyzed by the sheer number of people reaching out to me by text messages and Facebook messages and phone calls, offering up their homes, their time, whatever we needed. The selflessness of others convicted me of my recent selfishness.

The battle to put others before myself in my heart and mind has always been a life theme of mine.  I gave a retiring address to 4,000 FFA members with the message to “Get Over Yourself,” thinking then that I had discovered the key to being selfless in service and leadership because I had spent a year thinking I had done just that.


As a PhD student studying Leadership Education at the University of Florida, I’ve joined the research conversation around the study of “Humility leadership”–leadership from a place of knowing yourself accurately, knowing your role in relationships with others, and knowing your place in the greater picture of the world (Sowcik, 2016).  And I’ve actually come to the table sub-consciously thinking I’m more humble than others just for studying and valuing humility.


For 25 years, God has given me opportunity after opportunity.  He’s opened doors for me I would not believe, some prayed for, some as a surprise. And I’ve had the nerve to, on occasion, believe I was the one who made those doors come open, that I pushed open the doors and barged my way in to where I am now, that I might have even strayed away from what He might have intended for me because of my selfish bent for ambition and competition and getting what I want.

Free Will and God’s Sovereignty… another day, another post, but certainly not to be debated as if they are of equal power.

I can be pretty hard on myself (and EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ME WELL laughs here) when I reflect on my life thus far, decisions I would have made differently, people I would have treated better, places I should have went and explored.

But, there’s a few things I’ve done okay with. And a lot of those things are because of my Mama.

Mama is the MOST selfless leader and lover I know.  She gives and gives and gives and gives until she’s left with seemingly nothing else to give, then she finds away to give more through the overflow she receives from her Jesus.

Mama has all of my life sacrificing for me, from the months of being carried around in her small frame to the years (and years) of wiping my tears away to being there for the greatest moments of my lifetime.

Mama has taught me how to love people through both words and actions.

Most of all, Mama has taught me to choose Jesus always.

Hundreds of people prayed for my Mama when we were not sure what was happening to her.  Hundreds of people prayed because hundreds of people have been served by my Mama.  Hundreds of people have been served because my Mama has lived a life devoted to loving and serving others as a living offering to her King, Who she knows loves her with infinite love.

For my birthday, my Mama made this post on Facebook that made me smile.

Screen Shot 2017-03-24 at 9.00.09 AM.png

Her words also made me think.  As much beauty and grace and joy my Mama has brought to the world in her classroom, in her living room, in between the walls of a church or a counseling office, she would consider ME as a beautiful chapter of her life. 

Perhaps it was her recent health scare that has me really thinking about her words in depth, but to think her “life book” will include a significant chapter devoted to me has me truly humbled, especially considering my whole 25-year-life book right now makes up one-half of her 50-year-life book.

This brings me to this thought.  If I am to spend another 25 years on this earth, what kind of life chapter do I want written for myself?  For my Mama?  For the people I will come to love and be loved in return by?

There’s too many words I could use and be inspired by to write this life chapter, but here’s a few I think I would want to make sure are written, mainly because they are inspired by my parents who I admire so much.

I want to live the next 25 years fearlessly.

I want to love people without fear, pursue opportunities without fear, go after learning new things without fear, dream dreams without fear.

I want to be gracious and humble with what I am given, to be thankful, to expect nothing yet appreciate everything.

I want to see who God made me to be in the mirror and remember that girl wears a crown and should NEVER lower her head in shame.

(First and) Lastly, I want to be known by how I love others and how I love the Lord.

Regardless of what else takes place in the next 25 years, I know have this promise to hold onto:

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrew 13:8

He is my Happy Ending.

Social media is the worst these days.  If it isn’t political hate and slander, it’s troubling stories of those hit in the face by political hate and slander.  It’s mud-slinging at its virtual worst.

Then, outside of the mud ring, we find the sappy-sweet circle of friends populating our newsfeed: the wedding photos, the engagement photos, the “Man-Crush-Mondays,” the baby photos, the graduation photos, and so on.

For those of us who refuse to engage in the mud-slinging and have no comment to offer up in the major-life-event department, we find solace in cute animal videos.  But, I have to admit, even the endless puppy videos give me puppy-envy.

So why am I hooked to social media?  I know I’m a Millennial (and you are too if you were born between 1980 and 2000–stop denying it already and just help us make a better name for ourselves, here), but I’m not exactly what you would call “social media savvy.”  If anything, I rely on many of my friends to keep me “in the times” and updated on social media trends and innovations.

The truth?  I’m a real big sucker for comparison.  That’s why social media can be so addicting despite never posting a single comment, photo, or post.  It’s intriguing to see into people’s personal lives and play the comparison game, especially in regards to happiness.

Here’s what I mean: It’s so easy to pick up my phone, open my Facebook app, and immediately find one person within seconds of scrolling who has something I don’t have, whether that be an opportunity, a significant other, a family, a house, etc.  And, because of the nature of the post, I also know this person is happy in conjunction with having this something I lack.  And so, in that moment of comparison, my brain tries to make sense of what I know: Person A has a thing.  In their post, Person A is happy. Therefore, Person A is happy because of their thing.

Meanwhile, here I am without a thing.  So where does this leave me if I follow my own silly logic?

Or, find say an entirely different person posting negative commentary on world events.  My brain takes an entirely different approach to this person.  Here, I find myself comparing my own beliefs and emotions around the subject of the post to that of the author’s.  Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don’t.  And because of the nature of the post, I also know this person is angry or upset in conjunction with having their belief or opinion.  And so, in that moment of comparison, my brain tries to make sense of what I know: Person B has an opinion.  In their post, Person B is angry/upset. Therefore, Person B is angry/upset because of their opinion.

Meanwhile, here I am lost in my beliefs and emotions around the subject, struggling to come to terms with how I might offer hope and light from my position in the world.

Sitting in my office this morning, I got hit by a couple of comparison bombs thrown my way after a quick scroll through social media.

And I have to tell you, I wasn’t carrying a shield.  I was sensitive and vulnerable.

I envied the newly engaged beauty, the incredibly successful communications guru, the couple with the adorable toddler, the girl who makes time to really do what she loves.  Yet, my heart also broke for my students confused by what was being said about Christians in light of the actions of an elected official, for friends who voiced serious fear about their futures in this country.

And I cried.  I cried the most honest prayer I have prayed in quite a while, mostly because I wasn’t actually praying to get a response.

“When will I get my happy ending? When will my life reach that place of happiness?”

He immediately answered me.

“I AM your happy ending, baby girl.”

The comparison game that social media offers us to play provides false answers.   The lack of having things does not dictate our joy in life any more than having those things can.

What is happening currently in the world also does not have to steal our joy or hope for happiness, although it should still engage us in our role to bring about hope and happiness for those in effect.

But here’s the good news.  We don’t have to rely on getting something or achieving something or moving beyond something or even waiting four more years to guarantee our happy ending.  You know why?

Because He is my happy ending, today.  He wants be yours, too.

A Hard-core Soft Core

My new “tribe member” here in Gainesville is kicking my butt these days.  She’s a hard-core weightlifter with an absolutely GORGEOUS sleeve of tattoos, a passion for the outdoors and a “take no lip” attitude.  Please do not take offense, but she really does deserve to be called a bad a$$ with the highest admiration.

Right now she’s reacquainting me with the gym and lifting weights (I competed in weightlifting in high school and was okay), but through this reacquaintance comes a ginormous swallowing of pride.  I’m dependent on her to show me the ropes again so that I don’t hurt myself.  I’ve had to tell her my limits.  I’ve had to admit where I’m too soft and be okay with that for now.

It’s more humbling than what is comfortable, but I would rather be unashamedly  humble and dependent for now so that I can one day deserve to be called a bad butt too. 

About two years ago, I wrote a blog post entitled “Staying Soft in a Hard, Hard, World” as a way of raising my sweet fist to the world for questioning the value of sensitivity and emotional tendencies.  LOL.  It was actually a major hit with those who read it, but that’s not the point.

Two years later, I sit in my office at the University of Florida on day two of Spring semester classes reflecting on the flood of students who came to my office today to hug me and tell me all about their holiday break and their plans for the semester ahead.  They came back because they knew the response they would receive from me, a response of genuine love, excitement, hugs and tears and all the feels.

Yet, as I take inventory of a majority of my friends who I actively surround myself with for my own support and needs, I find myself utterly and completely sensitive to the fact that I am known as the one who is sensitive.  The one with the hard-core soft core.  The sappy one.  The one with extreme joys and extreme pain.  The one who can’t always put her foot down or be confident or own who she is proudly and audaciously.  The one with one too many feels.

And so I have to tell you the honest truth.  I hate being that friend among my friends.

Sure, it’s easy to play the part well—I being that friend who “needs” someone else to tell me how it really is, to tell me to suck it up, buttercup, to give me the pep talk of a lifetime that should probably be made into a Pinterest pin or something.

But here’s the thing.  

While I love those who love me enough to want to lift me up and shake me until I snap out of whatever emotions I’m experiencing at the time, deep, deep down, I (the emotional one) do not love feeling like I need emotional crutches.  And, I REALLY do not love feeling like my friends think I need them to be my emotional crutches.

It’s a matter of pride, folks.  We all want to be proud of who we are and own who we are.  And we don’t want to be dependent on other people because of who we are.  No one is proud of dependence.   

Noticeably, there’s a widespread fascination and obsession with personality types.  With my own fascination of personalities and behaviors of people comes the thought that perhaps narcissism is what draws us to studying our own personality type and others.  Perhaps deep down we hope that in studying all types of people we can justify our own actions and believe we are better for who we are naturally.

Or maybe I’m wrong about all of that.

But, I don’t think I’m wrong about the dependence issue.  I think we as people (who since the beginning of time had to figure out that we need each other to survive) do not like having to depend on someone else to move forward in life, to become better ourselves.  We see it in toddlers as they want to do everything themselves despite the fact that they wouldn’t know how to do anything had it not been modeled for them by someone ahead of them in life.

In my Jesus Calling devotional for today, January 5th, a passage stuck out to me and struck a chord on my heart strings, a chord I wasn’t sure made a pretty sound.

(Yahweh speaking here:)

“True dependence is not simply asking Me to bless what you have decided to do.  It is coming to Me with an open mind and heart, inviting Me to plant my desires within you.  I may infuse within you a dream that seems fay beyond your reach.  You know that in yourself you cannot achieve such a goal.  

Thus begins your journey of profound reliance on me.  It is a faith-walk, taken one step at a time, leaning on Me as much as you need.  This is not a path of continual success but of multiple failures.  However, each failure is followed by a growth spurt, nourished by increased reliance on Me.  Enjoy the blessedness of a victorious life, through deepening your dependence on Me.”

I believe God works in my life in many ways, through prayer, through examining and analyzing and meditating on His word, and through circumstances.  He also works through my friends, through my tribe.  

I want to be utterly and completely dependent on God’s hand and provision to move me forward in this life.  If I’m changing things about me, I want it to be because He has worked and provided in such a way that I am moving forward in a direction He is leading me.  If I’m becoming something different than who I am now, I want to be more like who He made me to be.  And that applies to my soft core, too. 

But, as I am moved towards becoming a better me, I am liable to misstep.  I will fail somewhere along the way.  Two steps forward, one-and-a-half steps back.

In that failure though, in that humbling moment of realizing I need help, there is an opportunity to move forward even faster and stronger if I am willing to rely on HIM and how He works, including through the love and support of my friends.

I have a handful of “ideas” to adopt for 2017.  I won’t list them all here, but I will share with you this one.  I want to be unashamedly humble in my weaknesses and reliant on God’s ways to help me become stronger, whether that’s in the weight room, in managing my feels, in becoming more audacious and confident in who I am, or whatever.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:17-18

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:10


The Third Everything in “Goldilocks–“

At any given moment, I’m probably a little too much.  I probably identify too well with anything that even conveys “too much.”  I’m probably carrying too much in my hands.  I probably think too much.  I probably say far too much.  I feel far too much.  I laugh way too much.  I’m probably wearing too much makeup.  I’ve definitely put too much time and effort and hair product in my hair in the morning.

Balance has never been my strongest suit, and simplicity has never been my style.

I’ve been slow-cooking some deeper musings about how to achieve the balance and simplicity so admired and respected by seemingly everyone else, how the virtue of humility and enhanced emotional intelligence could be the key to balancing the scales when my “too much” is showing.

In Academic Leadership Land where I live and work and learn, these concepts seem to be the cure for everything.  Having trouble communicating in your relationships?  Try using your emotional intelligence and seeing the other person through a humbled lense of yourselves.  Want to lead your organization better?  Be humble about your strengths and shortcomings as a leader and exercise and encourage emotional intelligence in your teams.  Boom.

I’m not knocking the power of humility or E.Q., nor am I denying that I could probably use a whole lot more of both in my life.  In fact, you could probably never have too much of these things.  

I’m just wondering where the “too much” is actually derivative from.  Is it because there is too much of something else?  Too much passion?  Too much creativity?  Too much ability?  Nah, that’s not right.

Maybe the “too much” happens because there isn’t enough of something else.  

Jesus called out a dear sister named Martha for being a little too much at a house party she was hosting. #BeOurGuest

She was probably the perfect hostess in many ways.  She had probably cooked and prepared the perfect meal, putting a little too much food together as what was actually needed.  She probably cleaned a little too much considering her guest was the King of #NoJudgment.  She probably was thinking too much about making her guest happy through all the details she had control over—through perfect lighting, perfect decor, perfect party planning.  She was probably a woman known for being a little too much.

Her sister Mary on the other hand??  That woman couldn’t care less about all the things Martha was worried about.  She’s known for being a free-spirit.  A simple soul.  Able to live-in-the-moment without worrying about the future.  If Martha was too much, then Mary was like the third everything in “Goldilocks & the Three Bears”–just right.  Mary was charming for all of this, and I’m sure Martha could appreciate her sister for these qualities.

That is, until Martha’s too much wasn’t being appreciated because of Mary’s just right.

Here Martha is trying to keep her well thought-out party rolling in the kitchen, while Mary is being Mary again–sitting on the floor at Jesus’ feet like the charming little hippie she is, hanging on every word he said and completely forgetting that SHE lives here and should be part of the hosting responsibilities. #MuchToDo

Later, she stepped in, interrupting them. ‘Master, don’t you care that my sister has abandoned the kitchen to me? Tell her to lend me a hand.’

Jesus, in all of his kindness and ability to see right to the heart of our issues, saw Martha’s too much for what it really was.

The Master said, “Martha, dear Martha, you’re fussing far too much and getting yourself worked up over nothing.  One thing only is essential, and Mary has chosen it—it’s the main course, and won’t be taken from her.

Luke 10:40-42 MSG

These are thoughts I wanted to write about in a different post, but I want to throw them in here, probably because I’m putting too much thought into what could be a simple message.

Martha and I might struggle with the same “too much” because we share the same fear of being “not enough.”  We might share not having enough security in our selves and our relationships to stop pushing too much and giving too much and trying too much.

And, I know Jesus sees our “too much” and smiles because he sees the potential it has to be greater when properly channeled, when there’s a secure root that centers us and keeps us from being swayed and pushed over by what we perceive is “not enough.”

Disagree as you would like, but I really want to believe there are plenty of things in life that should seem “too much” because there’s not enough of them in the world already. The difference is that these same things must be rooted and established in the security of unconditional love before we unleash them to the world.  And there’s not many places to find such a love in this world.  But, when you find it and when you know it to be true, your “too much” can become like the third everything in “Goldilocks–“, not because you purposefully held anything back, but because you’re simply sharing the overflow from what it feels like to be fully known and accepted no matter what.

And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love.

Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights!

Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19 MSG




Bad Haircut Grace and America the Beautiful

“Your hair! Your beautiful hair! Oh Jo, how could you?  Your one beauty.”

-Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

A quote from a novel has never struck a chord with me as much as this one.

Growing up, my hair was my one beauty.  While little boys would bully me on account of my size and ugly, boyish features, hair salonists would praise the beauty in my hair and marvel at how “grownup” it seemed.

Strangers often stare at me in the bathroom mirror and tell me how gorgeous my locks are.  It’s not uncommon for friends and relatives to often tell me how jealous they are of my head of hair.

The time and money I spend on my hair is what some probably spend on average on their pet.  I’ll be completely transparent and admit that this time last year, while my face was broken out with acne induced from severe graduate thesis stress, I would often think to myself, “Well, at least I still have my hair to rely on…”

So today, when I went to get my hair cut by a new salonist (my former hairdresser left to go to another salon), you can imagine there was some apprehension.

“Paige”, as we will call her, wanted to be sure I knew what had been done incorrectly to my hair prior to her hands getting a hold of it.  Paige was quick to justify every strange move she made with her scissors, making cuts I had never seen done on a head of hair, let alone my own.  She was unapologetic in her moves and I couldn’t bring myself to speak up and challenge her, what with how she went on and on about how she would fix everything that had been done wrong previously.

Fear swept over me as I realized what was happening.  This new hairdresser was doing serious damage on my locks!  Suddenly it became all too real that I would no longer be able to fix my hair as I used to.  What was once free for me to do with my hair was now taken from me.  I would no longer be Valerie known for that beautiful, free-flowing head of hair.  I would no longer be considered beautiful.

With her strange methods and the shear amount she cut off, I wasn’t even sure it would be able to grow out the same way again.  The added layers to my long hair had me anticipating to see Joe Dirt in the mirror looking back at me.  It was all I could do not to break down in her chair in front of her.

Hours later I found myself in my apartment, crying into my brother’s shoulder as he stroked my back and assured me I looked okay, that I was still beautiful.  My parents reminded me to focus on other things, to pray for the Lord to help me work through this, knowing how much my hair has always meant to me.

But, to tell you the truth, I couldn’t for the life of me see any amount of good or hope in this rather bleak situation.  All I could do was continue to run my fingers through my hair and feel where hair once was, where life and beauty and hope once was

I promised myself I would not make one political “post” this election season.  And so, I will keep that promise to myself… Certainly a bad haircut cannot and should not be compared to the implications of a nation’s election.

However, I will go out on a wild hair (BA-DUM-CH) and say that America the Beautiful could possibly use some Bad Haircut Grace, the kind of grace that soothes tears and reminds us that with time will come the opportunity for growth, the opportunity to learn from mistakes made, the opportunity to realize that raising your voice respectfully despite felt fear is necessary and can make a real difference.

Bad Haircut Grace is the kind of grace that may not even look like it’s needed from some perspectives because some would say everything now looks great again, if not better, than it did before.

Bad Haircut Grace is the kind of grace that makes you say the words, “I will be thankful for what I have because I know others go on with far less.”  Bad Haircut Grace reminds you that you should consider yourself blessed based on the deeper things that matter.

Bad Haircut Grace is the kind of grace that is humbling in the moment because you must face the one who is responsible for how things turned out with kindness and respect despite knowing what you looked like before.

Bad Haircut Grace is the kind of grace that is hard to swallow for a while, but makes you learn to love other things about yourself more and better.

Jeremiah 31:2-3 Thus says the LORD: “The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest, the LORD appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.”

This verse reminded me that while I may feel pretty hopeless (and pretty petty too), I did in fact survive “the sword” and I can still find grace in the time being.  Rather, it is the Lord who will provide me with the extra grace I need for as long as I need it.

Some folks will say statements like, “God has left America because of its wickedness,” while others will say “America was never and should never be considered a Christian nation.”  Without dissecting these statements further, the one thing I know to be true is that the Lord loves Americans, both male and female and everything in between, both domestic and foreign born, both heterosexual and homosexual, both pro-life and pro-choice, both democrat and republican, with an everlasting love.  And He will continue to be faithful to those who claim Him in His name.

(BTW, I’ve already googled how to make hair grow faster.  I’m chocking this up to 2016 being a bad year in many ways all around.)

(And just FYI, if you find yourself buying any cute head bands and hats for your girl to wear for the time being, I certainly won’t reject them.) ❤

…But Do You Even Want This?

There might be three types of people in this world: those who go throughout their lives never knowing their true potential, those who know their potential and spend their lives pursuing it with all the boldness and ownership of their destiny, and then those who hear their potential but cannot quite claim it.

This third type of person could be this way for a number of reasons:

…She might not believe in her potential because of what her past has told her.

…He might not want to claim his potential out of fear of the responsibility that will  come with it once it has been reached.

…She might find herself unworthy of her potential upon facing her own comparison to others.

…He might not want to do the work for what it will take to reach his potential.

John 5:

2 Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. 3 In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. 5 One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be healed?”


He was hanging by the pool because it was known for its healing powers, not because he was working on his tan.

Why would you even ask that??

Jesus knew this man’s potential.  Jesus knew this man could easily walk if the Son of GOD healed him, no problem.  All the possibilities of who this man had been and could be were within reach of Jesus’ omniscient nature, including the answer to this question.

So why ask that, Jesus??  Why ask if you want to be better?  Why ask if you want to be more than what you are right now?  Why ask if you want what you’re capable of, what you could do if only?

7 The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me.”

Wait.  This man had been lame for 38 years, and the best excuse he had for not getting healed sooner had to do with people tripping on him?  This pool had to be a popular place to go, what with five colonnades and being known for its healing powers.  You mean to tell me every single person who went by him at the pool ignored the poor man completely??

Maybe I’m being too critical but, with what we are given, it would seem this man is  making excuses for why he hasn’t been healed yet.

And, in his excuses, he indicates a different answer to Jesus’ question to him.  Why not come right out and say, “Yes, I want to be healed!”?  Why was his first response excuses?


“It’s like you have this schizophrenic moment where you answer the voice beating you up inside your head,” he said, with a strange mixture of compassion and curiosity in his eyes.  “You can’t quiet the voice so you go ahead and speak out what it’s telling you–that you made a mistake or you missed something important.”

I sat on the other side of his desk and nodded in agreement, my chin down and arms crossed across my chest as if to protect my heart from the anticipated damage his lecture feedback might cause me.

He continued to read over his notes of what he saw in my recent lecture presentation, pointing out my strengths and opportunities to improve, glazing over the fact that he had in fact called attention to the sickness that is the voice inside my head.

He spoke about the voice as though it were just the price to be paid of someone who is extra critical of himself while presenting in front of any audience, as though the voice simply said things like, “You weren’t supposed to say that yet,” or “You are off from your notes and need to get back now.”

The truth is the voice has been there ever since I listened to the lies fed to me by the enemy of my soul.  The truth is the voice loathes my own voice and wants to weaken me where the Lord has gifted me.  The truth is the voice does not settle for cheap shots at my actions and behaviors; no, it goes for the kill by attacking and relabeling who I am.

His feedback was fair, honest, and tactful.  No fallen tears there.  But, it was the potential he called out in me that had me unsure how to feel.

Upon painting the grand picture of what he thought I would one day be capable of doing, he stopped what he was saying to look at me in the eyes and in doing so cocked his head to the side.

He asked me: “…But do you even want this?  Do you even want to do something like this?”

I couldn’t answer him.  

I never thought I would be capable of doing what he was suggesting was within my reach.  I have compared myself to people in my field for far too long to believe I could be good at something I thought I was truly the worst at doing.  I also wasn’t sure I could ever slay the fire-breathing voice he described as my main obstacle to overcome.

It was like he was asking me, “Do you even want to be healed?”  

And I didn’t know.

8 Jesus said to him, “Get up, take up your bed, and walk.” 9 And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.


It’s interesting that Jesus healed him with a call to action and not a “one and done” touch.  In that case, Jesus could have touched him and he still would have had the option to stay seated and not ever walk.

This man still had to choose to get up, choose to stand on the two feet he hadn’t used in 38 years, the two feet I’m sure he thought others would doubt, the two feet that maybe were not so deserving in his mind to be healed in the first place.

I think there are times when Jesus’ healing is contingent on us just getting up and walking.  Getting up and moving forward.  Getting up and forgiving.  Getting up and letting go.

I do not always love this about Jesus.  I would prefer to just be “one and done” touched and healed.  I would prefer for Jesus to wave a spiritual wand over me and I’ll never have to hear the voice inside my head tell me lies again.

Instead, Jesus offers me words and truth to exchange with the lies.  

Instead, Jesus offers me new labels and grace for my past.  

Instead, Jesus offers me the choice to get up and be healed in my change of thinking and behavior.

Instead, Jesus offers me the freedom to answer his question that accompanies the healing: “…But do you even want this?”


Letter to My Haters

To All My Haters:

I thought I had a fairly accurate list of your names.  The list really started when I was really young, after I was openly teased for unashamedly dancing at a five-year-old’s skating rink birthday party.  I agreed with you then that I was silly and worthy of rejection; I just happened to write down the wrong name.

The list of haters was but a few names added here and there until you found me in middle school, awkward and blooming perhaps, but more than that anxious and balancing everything I wanted to do and be.  You told me then I was a joke of a basketball player–too aggressive and passionate despite my lack of real talent.  You told me then I had little hope of ever being considered beautiful by any boy whatsoever.  You told me then I was weird for spending my time playing with younger kids or talking to older adults.

Each of you followed me into high school, and still I added even more wrong names to the list.  However, these names were different from those I first wrote down.  You convinced me these were the names of those I had only thought I could trust to love me and believe in me, to encourage me and work with me and not against me.  And yet, it was you, not them, who told me I was too sensitive, too over-the-top, too intense, too scatter-brained, too fat, too ugly, too smart, too “Christian,” too above, too beneath, too much, and yet never, ever enough.  You almost had me do myself in a few times too.

I thought I would never have to add a single name to my list of haters after high school when my dreams came true and I achieved the highest of my goals–success in the one arena I worked so hard to be accepted into and come out as a worthy contender.  Instead, I felt forced to write down the names of those I admired most, those whose judgment would come back to haunt me every time I speak a word out loud.  These names became the members of a hard-and-fast jury in my head, condemning me for my shortcomings in the realms of what I once considered to be my innate strengths.  And I completely accepted this standing jury’s judgment as withstanding truth.  After all, as fellow arena members they were supposed to be my people, and those “strengths” of mine certainly should have been flawless by now.

For years, I carried that list around in my soul and let it rip me to shreds from the inside out.  I hated myself because that whole list of names told me I should.

That is, until I finally saw who you really were. 

You were never who I thought you were.  Yet, you fooled me all the same.  Worse, you had me join you in the hate-club, join you in the destruction, join you in your goals against me.

You robbed me of myself.  You stole the little girl who danced unashamedly on skating rink benches.  You stole the girl who threw elbows and dove for basketball balls on the court.  You stole the girl who had wild confidence and bold presence.  You stole the girl  who led others with compassion, with creativity, and with character.  You stole the girl who was deemed worthy from the start and had her believe all along she wasn’t ever worthy.

And I let you get away with it, too.

It’s still a habit of mine to want to carry around that old list of names as though they are to blame for all you have really done to me.  I think you prefer it that way.  I still want to believe all the things you told me about myself because my experiences seemed to prove your words to be true.  But that is really just me joining you in the fight against me.

But, at least now I know who I’m really up against.  And, I know just Who is really supposed to win here. So fair warning: I see you, and I’m doing my best to burn the list of names for good just so that you will no longer be able to hide behind them.

Just so we’re clear: That girl you hate, that girl you stole has been ransomed for by Someone Who Loves Her.

Haters, you’re gonna hate.  I know that about you.

I’m just not going help you have your way with me any more.


A former hater

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” -Ephesians 6:12